Straight Dope Chicago: Would Illinois be better off without Chicago?

Would Illinois be better off without Chicago?
March 25, 2010

Dear Cecil:

Chicago, Chicago, Chicago — I'm sick of hearing about Chicago! Chicago problems, Chicago politicians, Chicago in the White House, and it just goes on and on. I think Chicago should secede from Illinois. Sure, us downstaters would lose Chicago's tax revenue, but we'd also be far less likely to have people like Blagojevich for governor, besmirching Illinois' good name. With Chicagoans ineligible to run for Illinois state office, we'd have nice clean honest hardworking downstaters to choose from instead. And all those conservative downstaters would suddenly have their votes counted for something in national elections, instead of being overwhelmed by Chicago's blue streak. Can you crunch some numbers, Cecil, and figure out if Illinois would be better off without Chicago?

— Angel B. in Quincy

Cecil replies:

You'll excuse my being Chicago-centric about this, Angel, but it seems to me an equally valid question is whether Chicago would be better off without Illinois. Also, I have to question your assumption that downstaters are beacons of virtue. In what I continue to think is the most trenchant analysis of the Blago train wreck yet, I pointed out that downstate has produced such saintly beings as George Ryan of Kankakee, the imprisoned former governor, and the late secretary of state Paul Powell, the southern Illinois native with the shoeboxes full of money. And what about Lennington Small, the Illinois governor indicted for embezzlement and money laundering but not convicted, possibly because four jurors later got state jobs? He too was from Kankakee. Sure, Chicago has more total wickedness, but Chicago has more total everything (except corn). Seems to me on a per capita basis, Kankakee is the real hothouse of vice.

Nonetheless, there's something to be said for cutting you downstate ingrates loose. Let's see how this sorts out:

Assuming the nine counties in the Illinois part of metro Chicago took a walk, the balance of the state would drop from 13 million to a still-formidable 4.2 million people, assuring you that, come what may, you'll still be able to get a foursome together for bridge. Indeed, this sizable number will doubtless come as a surprise to many Chicagoans, who believe the entire population of Illinois vertebrates outside the metropolitan area consists of farm animals and squirrels. However, lest you gloat, remember that a sizable portion of downstate human resources consists not of noble yeoman farmers, as your flattering portrayal seems to assume, but rather residents of such plebeian municipalities as Rockford, Peoria, and Moline. These persons doubtless have the same bad habits as all urbanites, without Chicagoans' world-famous savoir-faire.

You'd get 95 percent of Illinois soybeans and no doubt a like percentage of the state's other agricultural production. We'd get 80 percent of the equalized assessed real estate valuation, and all 18 billionaires.

You'd get all but one of the 44 state prisons and work camps, but quit complaining. We'd get most of the crime.

We'd get Lake Michigan. You'd the Mississippi, Illinois and Ohio rivers, plus (ideally) all the Asian carp.

We'd get virtually all the tall buildings. You'd get the World's Largest Catsup Bottle and Charles Mound.

We'd get pretty much all the decent restaurants, setting aside several in Champaign-Urbana that I have personal knowledge are OK. I also once had a fine meal at a place on the town square in Marion, which I was told was the only good restaurant in the southern third of the state. This was an exaggeration; surely now there are at least four or five. If they're booked for the evening, many iterations of Cracker Barrel, Applebee's, Bob Evans, etc., may be found throughout Illinois, all serving fare that has been shown to sustain life.

We'd get, by one tally, 22 0f the state's 25 most popular tourist attractions, including the Art Institute, Sears (OK, Willis) Tower, and Wrigley Field. You'd get Anderson Japanese Gardens, Magic Waters Waterpark, and Lincoln's Home, none of which I'm knocking. However, after that you're mainly back to the World's Largest Catsup Bottle and Charles Mound.

You'd get Vienna, Marseilles, Cairo, and Versailles, pronounced VIE-enna, Mar-SELL-iss, KAY-ro, and Ver-SALES, respectively. We'd still get to be Chicago, pronounced shi-CAH-guh on the south side, shi-CAW-go on the north.

You'd get the Illini, and for that matter most of the state university system. We'd get the Flames, and I notice we've now been awarded DeKalb county, so I guess we get the Huskies, too.

Plus we get the DeKalb flying corn hats, so nyaah nyaah nyaah.

We'd get the University of Chicago and Northwestern, two of the country's leading institutions of higher learning. We'd also get their historical sports prowess, so we don't even need to bring you into the picture to even things out.

We'd get Fermilab, including the Tevatron particle accelerator, which is cool. However, you'd get the National Center for Supercomputing Applications at the U. of I., so I'd say it's a wash.

We'd get the Cubs, White Sox, Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks, Fire, Wolves, Sky, and no doubt other professional sports aggregations that have thus far eluded my notice. You'd get … oh, wait, the Cards play in Missouri.
You'd get — let's be honest about this — spring. We'd get what we always get, winter lite.
You'd get all the operating nuclear power plants and coal mines. We'd get — hm. Well, there's the Fisk and Crawford generating stations, plus a heap of green roofs.

We'd get one president apiece.

So I think it'd work out for both sides. We'd get most of the people, material possessions, and things that make life worth living. You'd get a state free of us.

OK, I'd miss Lincoln, not to mention the Garden of the Gods. Nonetheless, I think there's potential here. I'd take it further, though. One doesn't want to have a state consisting solely of one town, a la Vatican City. It's claustrophobic. What's more, the proposed reorganization doesn't address what I've identified as the fundamental problem with Illinois, namely that nobody cares about the parts outside Chicago, with the consequence that we elect governors who are complete mopes. (And yes, I know Scott Lee Cohen is from Chicago. Just proves what I'm saying.)

My plan is to carve out a new state consisting of Chicago plus all the interesting stuff in proximity thereto. This will inspire visionaries to run for statewide office rather than the knuckleheads we get now. Subject to negotiation with existing states plus a few bucks as required, I propose that the new state consist of metro Chicago plus selected parts of Wisconsin, Indiana, and Michigan. The resulting commonwealth will combine the names of the current jurisdictions and be known as Chilliwindimi, pronounced "chilly-windy-me," which this time of year has a certain bitter relevance. Geographically it'll consist of the following:

Us — that is, metropolitan Chicago, consisting of the 14 counties in the Chicago-Naperville-Joliet, IL-IN-WI metropolitan statistical area, which, if you think I'm taking a rather grandiose view of things, was defined by the federal government, not me.
Everything else within 50 miles of Lake Michigan up to Door county on the west side and Mackinac Island on the east.
Madison, Wisconsin and the Wisconsin Dells. Yes, this will require an unseemly westward land grab. However, having relinquished Springfield, we'll need a state capital, and we could do worse than Madison. And before you get all sniffy on me, how can we have Chicago and leave out the Dells?

One anticipates certain objections:

The Indiana part smells. Look, your basement smells, OK? We have to take the bad with the good. Plus they have all the fireworks, the Dunes, and cheap gas.
The cheeseheads won't like it. The cheeseheads don't like anything. There's nothing to be done about their chronic discontent. We're providing them with urban sophistication, plus all the money we spend on fishing lures, T-shirts, and beer. My guess is they'll deal.
We'll have to put up with Domers and Packers fans. Oh, like we're not putting up with them already. We're already coping with abiding Cubs vs. White Sox antipathy. Why not an entire geographical region consumed by internecine hate?

On the plus side:

We'd get Milwaukee, home of Milwaukee Tool and Harley-Davidson. That's enough reason to do this right there.
New Buffalo, Saugatuck, Traverse City, etc. Too trendy for you? We are hard to please. Well, then:
The Cherry Hut.

Think we'd have a hard time finding qualified persons to govern this choice assemblage? On the contrary, we'd have our pick of Thomas Jefferson, Jesus, and Mahatma Gandhi. Meanwhile, Angel, down in Quincy, you could revel in redness all you want.

Hear Ed Zotti, Cecil's editor, confidante, and personal trainer, discuss the above wisdom with Mike Stephen, host of "Outside the Loop" on WLUW-FM 88.7.

— Cecil Adams
Photo by Pat O'Neil

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